Assalamualaikum!

I know I have been away for quite a while now.

Yes, I delivered a beautiful bouncing baby boy on 5 June 2012. Alhamdulillah!

And thus, I decided I needed the hiatus. Well, both baby N and me wanted to get to know one another. :)

But I am back now!

Will write more later.

I miss writing nonsense! Hehehe...

Women

We talked about my recent issue at work. i thought she didnt want to talk about it - and truthfully, i am just freaking tired telling the story all over again, because y'see, it's like putting salt over the wound over and over again - but i was glad she asked. because she didnt even try to avoid the issue. she wanted to talk it over with me....  and i'm glad and blessed, to have a friend like that.

i did tell her that if i ever break down and go into the brink of depression, i would want her to slap me. really. i just couldn't bear to be this huge pain in the neck. i can be a pain in the neck, but i dont want to be the cause of pain to others. 

i wonder if it's because i have always felt all along that no one wants to listen to me. i am always the listener. playing the advisory role. my troubles are usually being swept under the carpet, for them to stew until they rot and eventually they just disappear along with the wind.

whatever it is, i felt better, but the hurt is still there - and will be there for a long while. a decision is to be made. the road to wellness is still far. 

i want to write that hurt is good because it will prod us to work harder to prove ourselves. but i've done that. been there, done that. and i guess my 'harder' is not their harder. in final analysis, i am just.... tired.

we also talked about the expectations that we women face in this world, when we went to the topic about friends who are not yet married. the societal pressure to be married at a certain age sometimes get to these women, even when they are better off with other aspects of their lives such as a thriving career life and being able to do the things only single women could do like travel at a moment's notice or dressing the way they want without their partners disapproving. :)

women face a lot of pressure nowadays (men would counter that they also face the same). but forgive me for saying, men are more likely pass the pressure of being married to their spouses. women still need to work when they come back from work. men have it easy. the king of the house as he is largely known in every society. nevertheless, the kings should also realise that their queens are also supporting the household as well.

outta sleep

this was as a result of my insomnia last night.

i am tired, i am beat 
but i cannot fall asleep 
too many things on my mind 
i feel like i'm out of bind 

perhaps i should just admit 
that it hurt and it bit 
rather than carry on as usual 
with my nitpicking nonchalant perusal 

i am tired i am beat 
hope this poem helps me sleep 
as long as the secret i that keep 
be buried as far and as deep. 

outta sleep and still sound 
i pray that the demons be gone 
uninterrupted slumber is a luxury 
and waking up is not a hurry. 

i am tired i am beat 
i owe myself to go to sleep 
good night worries good night pain 
i am determined i must remain.

one of those days....

else, i just eat EVERYTHING... and i don't know what i had eaten and why i ate it in the first place.

(well, actually, i do know WHY, but the joy of eating is no longer there)

i just hope the bloating feeling will dissipate soon.

i would very much like to LIKE my food. 

Ramadhan 1432

this is extremely long overdue.

i wanted to write this much earlier - which is just before Ramadhan. well, i planned to do it the day before fasting month started, but in the end things happened - unusually heavy workload, extreme exhaustion, ensuing influenza and the ever recurring procrastination - that i didn't manage to keep my want.

yep, story of my life.

two years ago i've written in FB that i missed the Ramadhan back in my childhood home Shah Alam. i love the fasting month because it always made me feel closer to my family. there was the terawih at the Masjid Biru, the preparation in which my family and i went through like the annual chores of hanging curtains, putting on festive chairbacks and table runners, baking goodies and even stowing away junks at the back of the drawers. the filial togetherness, the sense of belonging and the brimming happiness are my main memories of Ramadhan and Syawal.

fast forward to the current reality of having own family and own commitments, i realised that i still cling to those memories of the Ramadhan yesteryears. i feel that my present Ramadhan is not as happy or ideal as it should be back when i was younger. 

don't get me wrong. i do look forward to Ramadhan, but it usually does not work out the way i visualise. it falls short to my utopian expectations.

i want to be able to do terawih at the masjid (like i used to).

i want to have buka puasa with all my family members everyday (like i used to).

i want to bake cookies and cakes for Raya with my mother and siblings. (like i used to).

i want to spend the night before the first of Syawal, listening to 'live' takbir raya, as a throng of neighbours come around to the house to bless us (like i used to).

of course, unfortunately, these are just wishful thinkings. 

truthfully, i have yet to do terawih at the masjid this year and at this rate, i don't think i will. i do go for iftar at my parents' place every Sunday (and there is also the Saturday gathering at my nenek's in Kampung Baru) but that was never enough. i could make time during weekdays but this year's workload during Ramadhan was heavier than usual due to stretched deadlines, that i usually ended reaching home near to maghrib or even after that. i also don't think i would get to make any kuih raya with my sisters as we will be leaving for my hubby's kampung this weekend. nevertheless, i am glad that i have managed to share my apple and mini chicken pies with them during the last two iftar get-togethers. *beam* even though the congregation will not be in either my neighbourhood or my parents' (as they are no longer in Shah Alam) to recite the takbir raya,  i am thankful to have the resplendent memory.

yes, i still do have the memories, so that counts a lot. alhamdulillah.

the funny thing about clinging to the past, is that we forget to enjoy what we have presently. we could be ungrateful and are always expecting disappointments because things are not like 'back then'. when we compare what we have with what we don't have, the yearning cards would invariably trump.

i am not going to dabble in the psychological aspect of this, but my own take on this 'phenomenon' (i call it that because the origin of this behaviour was never properly explained) is that when things are temporarily bleak, we want to be able to have that option. of going back. of having the alternative.

it is not necessarily a bad thing, as long as we are rooted in our subsistence. 

now i sound like a shrink.

moving on, this Ramadhan made me pause to reflect that i could have better memories (i do?) of the future Ramadhan and Syawal (insyaAllah), by creating new joyful memories. i could naturally base these on my experience but i could also tweak them to adapt to my current situation. all i need are creativity and boundless of faith. 

of course, Raya at my side is always better, but i know that going back to his side makes my husband happy, so i wouldn't whine about it. much. my kids, like i was back then, would be happy when both parents are happy during the festive break. more often than not, it is more about them having a good time. i guess my parent taught me that. generally good times mean a happy childhood. i, for one, would not want my grown up kids to come to me later on and say  "my Raya then sucks. i did not enjoy my Raya at all back then. so i don't think i want to go home for Raya." *yipes*

for me, this Ramadhan is about purging the past, and holding on to the gritty present. the latter is scarier with open-ended possibilities, but it also means we have opportunities to create something which we could be proud of.

i need to move on. there are certain areas in my life which are holding me back. but intuitively, i know it is time. i could not live with half-baked could haves and could bes. i will need to take that monumental step (okay, it sounds dramatic but it is not of a paradigm shift proportion), and be brave enough to live with the consequences.

bubbles burst. hearts mend. wounds heal. features restore. people adapt. life goes on.

after all, it is much easier to grieve when it is something that you never even have.

the premise (promise) of a song

I'VE promised to post something after the Mamma Mia's Thank You For The Music Youtube post.

(see how lazy i've become, since i'm only posting links lately)

but that got detoured by so many things which happened in the last 2 weeks as somehow i was part of the Board Paper preparer at work... now that's in the past, having worked until 1030pm last Friday, i think i deserved a break. by indulging in writing - as i could no longer afford any designer bags - because hey, i'm going to write, whether you like it or not. :)

the following poem/ lyrics permutation may cause you to cringe and / or snigger but i am posting it anyways.

This is 'my picker upper alternate lyrics' to Thank You For The Music - which i called Thank You For The Proses. 


Mother says I was
A dreamer before I could walk
She says I began
To make stories before I could talk
And I've often wondered
How did it all start?
Who found out that nothing
Can capture a heart
Like a narrative can?
Well who ever it was, I'm a fan

So I say
Thank you for the proses
The tales I'm writing
Thanks for all the joy
They're bringing
Who can live without it
I ask in all honesty
What would life be
Without a poem or a tale what are we?
So I say thank you for the proses
For giving it to me


I've been so lucky
I am the girl with wavy (*) hair
I wanna weave (**) it out to everybody
What a joy
What a life
What a chance

Thank you for the proses
The tales I'm writing
Thanks for all the joy
They're bringing
Who can live without it
I ask in all honesty
What would life be
Without a poem or a tale what are we?

So I say thank you for the proses
For giving it to me
So I say thank you for the proses
For giving it to me




PS: * unfortunately, i could only came up with my hair being wavy, which has no factual correlation whatsoever to my ability to craft nonsensical proses.
** yes, wave and weave somehow go together. :P

hiatus

*tap tap tap*

testing! testing!

is this thing on?

*adjust mic*

yuhuuuuu! anyone here? i'm back.

:)

the week that was

this week and last have been particularly (and overwhelmingly) BAD, with capitals B,A,D.

i don't want to delve on them so much on this realm but suffice to say, i am not yet in the mood to write.

writing as a means of venting my frustrations is getting old. i rather enjoy the numbness at the moment and let the emotions sweep over me later, when i guess i feel ready for them.

what i am trying to reiterate here is "be thankful." be thankful with what you have at the moment because you will never know when the joy or happiness or "nikmat" will be taken away from you.

i am not asking you to live like you're dying tomorrow, by booking that around the world trip or buying things you could not afford, but cherish life and be kind to yourself, mankind and nature.

life is about what you give to it. the circle of life is verily true in this instance, whereby you reap what you've sown.

FIVE Things That I Am Grateful For TODAY and YESTERDAY

i havent posted anything for awhile. been stumped with familial commitments... and moreover, with the lack of inspiration to write when i have to wrestle with my young son on laptop time.


because i rather let him use it, because hey, i'm the Adult here. :P


anyways, just to share the 'meme' which was passed between us four sisters, and posted in our respective FB last week.

here it is, have a read:

this 'count your blessings' write up was initiated by my younger sister Dikya earlier this week at which i jokily asked whether it was a tag, more because i havent written much recently, so it would give me a good excuse. :)so it became a tag between us sisters and now that Ta, my twin has written hers, i should get cracking. (and pass the baton to Kak long, my elder sister)

i wanted to write yesterday but between the news of my already ailing grandmother suffering from a mild stroke and visiting her later; and going through the motions of (my kids') weekend schedule, i was worn to write. so here are my 5:

1. I am grateful for my two animated and boisterous boys who mean the world to me, who lift me up and love me unconditionally as i do them.

2. I am grateful that i have a job because i have an income to afford stuff for my boys and not feel (that) guilty for buying my own stuff. :P

3. I am grateful that despite being meatier and *cough* older now, i am (now) relatively healthy with able limbs and sound mind.

4. I am grateful that i have a spouse who supports me (and my idiosyncrasies) even when he sometimes does not understand me (and this goes both ways).

5. I am grateful that even though we dont see eye to eye all the time, there is dinner on the table, my maid is rightly supervised and my boys are a lot happier. and as a result i am meatier. :D

so, there. to surmise, do count your blessings. which i think should be on daily basis.and if you want to share them here, i'll be ever so grateful to read them. ;)

Kaklong, your turn now. :)

a funereal funeral

morbidly, that's the first thought that came to me when i was thinking of an adjective to depict a funeral.

but then again, a funeral is always funereal, therefore my description is rather redundant and some might say a tad insensitive. but that aside, let me begin.

anyways, my aunt, who is my dad's elder sister passed away on Friday, 25 February 2011. i received this news via the dad's sms, shortly after coming back from the long Friday lunch. it was rather surreal, because i was talking with my close friend about death (in her family, recently) not even an hour before the news struck. she was pronounced dead a few minutes before dad sent the message,

of course i was agape. numb. but incongruously calm. i wasn't close to the deceased but i know that my dad is and the fact that he was losing a number of his siblings during the last few years made it even heart breaking. and telling. that time is catching up on us. or is it, more appropriately, mortality is catching up on us?

i called up dad later to ask him about the funeral arrangement and was surprised to learn that the late aunt's children were planning the burial that same night. i thought a Saturday morning service would be more suitable because some far away relatives would want to pay their last respects. so i rang hubby about us leaving work early in order to make it to the funeral in Ipoh that night. he couldnt leave early but he promised to try to leave promptly at the end of business day.

so in the end, we left about half past 6, after ensuring that my creaking car is long distance travel worthy. i wanted to bring the kiddos (due to purely selfish reason of me not wanting to miss them) but knowing it's for a short duration (not an overnighter) and it was after all a funeral, i decided not to bring them. we arrived at my late aunt's house shortly after 830pm.

she was already covered in the white burial shroud when we stepped in. i felt a sudden pang of remorse when i asked if it was alright for me to kiss her. and the children - my cousins - reopened the face covering and then i kissed her and recited the holy words from the Quran. and then, she was covered entirely and i could not help felt the tears welling up in my eyes. we could have been close, if we have let ourselves be. we didnt try hard enough. and now she has become one of my deceased distant relatives - not by physical distance but more due to circumstantial one. the one we do to ourselves. we grew up, they grew older, and in the process, we forget, or become forgetful.

my late aunt was carried to her final resting place in a nearby Muslim burial ground. i didnt go with the entourage (made up of menfolk mostly, except for her children), nor did my husband after that long drive, so we waited along with my mother and sister's family at my aunt's house. it was a long wait for our father to come home but i did not mind. while waiting, there was the usual gossip but i didnt show enough interest for it to escalate as it was inappropriate, but funnily, one of the daughter in-laws came and sat with me (without prompting) and shared with me the family's secret. i always wondered why people chose to confide in me as it could be a curse as i am not - and i'm not feigning modesty - the best person to be the trustee of secrets. i almost always let them out by accidents because i have this selective amnesia whereby i could not seem to remember whether a piece of information is actually confidential.

anyhow, it is best to say that people confide because they see it as a release, or perhaps, for this person, she wanted me to share with the other members of the clan, and did not want the burden of telling to fall on herself, but to this day, i have not divulged the news to those who mattered. (sharing it with the spouse did not count as he is not an actual family member).

it is not so much because i do not want to interfere, because if i want to, i will make myself heard. stamp my horsey feet in front of them to show my self-righteous disapproval. moo like a cow, mock like a parrot. make a lot of fuss so that the parties involved will start questioning, and later reflecting and if we're fortunate, initiate changing. not only will grief shroud them, with this knowledge, guilt will be even more overpowering.

nevertheless i decided to shut my mouth up. because really, the person that actually matters has passed away. no amount of questioning, reflecting and changing will ever bring her back.

mark - set - go

starting again.

this is not my first blog, but with blogspot's blogger, it is a maiden one.

it's all started with reading other people's blogs of late*, and i found myself wanting to go on this route again- which is writing publicly.

anyways, making an impressive, a-force-to-be-reckon-with, impact wih your first post is EVERYTHING a serious blogger would like to attain. 

but i am anything but a serious blogger, although i always believe in making a proper impression - because hey,all of us want to be liked.  :)

bloggers are always associated with self indulgent/ self absorbing/ self promoting past time, and i could imagine many of you groaning and smirking with "yes, there goes another one."

or "c'mon, not another chick with angst and proses."

or "whatever she's selling, it's already being sold elsewhere, online."

but rest assured, despite the negative connotations and press, blogs result in more positive consequenses and great deeds than harm.

granted that blogs do cause us to be more indulgent and absorbed with ourselves in our quest to promote or elevate ourselves, but it also encourages self expression in which indubitably sparks and improves self confidence.

i am not a good speaker, but i know i can write, so i believe this is a good avenue for me to try out sharing my short stories, little anecdotes and silly observations of the humankind.

here it is, starting again, this time through the splendidly renowned blogspot.

so, on your mark, get set, go!


* i was conducting a research on the efficiency and efficacy of blogs to promote and sell products. :)