a funereal funeral

morbidly, that's the first thought that came to me when i was thinking of an adjective to depict a funeral.

but then again, a funeral is always funereal, therefore my description is rather redundant and some might say a tad insensitive. but that aside, let me begin.

anyways, my aunt, who is my dad's elder sister passed away on Friday, 25 February 2011. i received this news via the dad's sms, shortly after coming back from the long Friday lunch. it was rather surreal, because i was talking with my close friend about death (in her family, recently) not even an hour before the news struck. she was pronounced dead a few minutes before dad sent the message,

of course i was agape. numb. but incongruously calm. i wasn't close to the deceased but i know that my dad is and the fact that he was losing a number of his siblings during the last few years made it even heart breaking. and telling. that time is catching up on us. or is it, more appropriately, mortality is catching up on us?

i called up dad later to ask him about the funeral arrangement and was surprised to learn that the late aunt's children were planning the burial that same night. i thought a Saturday morning service would be more suitable because some far away relatives would want to pay their last respects. so i rang hubby about us leaving work early in order to make it to the funeral in Ipoh that night. he couldnt leave early but he promised to try to leave promptly at the end of business day.

so in the end, we left about half past 6, after ensuring that my creaking car is long distance travel worthy. i wanted to bring the kiddos (due to purely selfish reason of me not wanting to miss them) but knowing it's for a short duration (not an overnighter) and it was after all a funeral, i decided not to bring them. we arrived at my late aunt's house shortly after 830pm.

she was already covered in the white burial shroud when we stepped in. i felt a sudden pang of remorse when i asked if it was alright for me to kiss her. and the children - my cousins - reopened the face covering and then i kissed her and recited the holy words from the Quran. and then, she was covered entirely and i could not help felt the tears welling up in my eyes. we could have been close, if we have let ourselves be. we didnt try hard enough. and now she has become one of my deceased distant relatives - not by physical distance but more due to circumstantial one. the one we do to ourselves. we grew up, they grew older, and in the process, we forget, or become forgetful.

my late aunt was carried to her final resting place in a nearby Muslim burial ground. i didnt go with the entourage (made up of menfolk mostly, except for her children), nor did my husband after that long drive, so we waited along with my mother and sister's family at my aunt's house. it was a long wait for our father to come home but i did not mind. while waiting, there was the usual gossip but i didnt show enough interest for it to escalate as it was inappropriate, but funnily, one of the daughter in-laws came and sat with me (without prompting) and shared with me the family's secret. i always wondered why people chose to confide in me as it could be a curse as i am not - and i'm not feigning modesty - the best person to be the trustee of secrets. i almost always let them out by accidents because i have this selective amnesia whereby i could not seem to remember whether a piece of information is actually confidential.

anyhow, it is best to say that people confide because they see it as a release, or perhaps, for this person, she wanted me to share with the other members of the clan, and did not want the burden of telling to fall on herself, but to this day, i have not divulged the news to those who mattered. (sharing it with the spouse did not count as he is not an actual family member).

it is not so much because i do not want to interfere, because if i want to, i will make myself heard. stamp my horsey feet in front of them to show my self-righteous disapproval. moo like a cow, mock like a parrot. make a lot of fuss so that the parties involved will start questioning, and later reflecting and if we're fortunate, initiate changing. not only will grief shroud them, with this knowledge, guilt will be even more overpowering.

nevertheless i decided to shut my mouth up. because really, the person that actually matters has passed away. no amount of questioning, reflecting and changing will ever bring her back.