Assalamualaikum!

I know I have been away for quite a while now.

Yes, I delivered a beautiful bouncing baby boy on 5 June 2012. Alhamdulillah!

And thus, I decided I needed the hiatus. Well, both baby N and me wanted to get to know one another. :)

But I am back now!

Will write more later.

I miss writing nonsense! Hehehe...

Worry Scurry

i am worried.

usually, when i worry, it will manifest into absurd, impulsive and usually what-was-i-thinking purchases.

i am a woman who does terrible things to herself. what is that word again?

self-destructive tendencies. 

those are 3 words by  the way.

anyway, i am in my 37th week of pregnancy. i will be this Friday 18 May 2012. 

to those who are never pregnant, or will never be pregnant (that is, you are male of the species), 40 weeks is the maturity date of a pregnancy. but a woman could give birth anytime between the 37th and 40th week. 

if you are wondering why is it 40 weeks since we human beings are supposed to be pregnant for 9 months, the 4 additional weeks are called 'artificial weeks' whereby we start counting from the first day of a mother-to-be's period or rather, the start of her last period before she gets pregnant.

if you are still perturbed by this, go and Google about it in the internet. there is a wealth of information in the realm for you absorb and share. it is just a matter of what interests you, really.

back from the short intermission. i am actually worried because...

1. i am in my 37th week and that means i could deliver my baby anytime... and i've yet to pack my bags and make the cot nice and the drawer ready to be filled with baby clothes. i should be able to this readily as i have had 2 kids prior to this, but with the gap being 5 years since my last pregnancy, i am still trying to navigate through what could be said a trying pregnancy in terms of trials and tribulations.

or perhaps, that is just an excuse. i am just too darn tired to do all these by myself. i want the support, the encouragement, the enthusiasm because i feel that my spouse is not providing those three enough, for me to do it wholeheartedly.

but despite that, should not i be wholeheartedly enthusiastic, encouraged and supported by my own self will?

must i wait for someone to be my rock before i could rock on?

yes, that bugs me a lot.

2. well, this was already discussed in Reason #1. 

my hubby. my spouse. my other half.

he does make the effort to accompany me once or twice to see the gynae ever since i was pregnant.

he did say that he procured the cement drain cover for the baby. (i wondered if that was honey talk because i was sulking at the time).

he has not bought any items for the new babe, other than the... drain covers. 

he was supposed to look for drawers last weekend but ended up buying a new bed frame for the guest room. what was that about? 

anyways, that is reason enough for me to be worried.

3. then there is my medical condition. i have what you call GBS. you could Google that too, because i am not going to elaborate about it here.

it gnawed me for a long time. the more i read about it, the more i get jittery.

my gynae recommended that i go through normal delivery with penicillin administered in my system intravenously. 

insyaAllah, my baby will be alright. 

i pray for that everyday. somehow i wonder if i have prayed enough.

4. i wonder if my 2 elder kids will be alright. i am sure they will be adapt to the change, but changes take time and my kids who are attached to me, will need to be able to understand that my time will be mostly with the new sibling who needs me more.

actually, i am not that worried. i believe they will be fine. they are loving and supportive kids. and we have each other. :)

=========================================================================

yes, the list is only 4. but i feel that it's a lot.

for my silent readers out there, thanks for listening.

more importantly, pray for my baby and me. insyaAllah.

to end, i found this poem and would like to share it with you here :

Spring in New York

Spring in New York by ninaali featuring a long red skirt

AllSaints sequin tee
$250 - allsaints.com

Topshop boyfriend jacket
$70 - topshop.com

Enza Costa long red skirt
€259 - jades24.com

Madison Harding platform shoes
$277 - amazon.com

Stella McCartney neon handbag
£1,075 - net-a-porter.com

Neon jewelry
$4.50 - delias.com

Cartier 18k rose gold jewelry
$21,999 - jomashop.com

Tarina Tarantino flower jewelry
$38 - tarinatarantino.com

Elie Saab chiffon shawl
$206 - boutique1.com

POSTO!

been awhile since my last update.

i have no excuse except for the fact that i am in my 35th week of pregnancy. (hoping that answers a lot of queries over the lack of updates, rather than sounding like an excuse).

what have i been up to?

shopping online. hehehe... which is to my dismay is very easy nowadays with the advent of PC, Wifi and some extra dosh of late.

i have been buying some necessities (my own interpretation) and some luxuries (again, it's my own distinct interpretation of the word). i blamed my own subconscious for this as i was actually trying (in vain) to forget some stuff by hoarding other physical stuff.

one of the coveted items finally arrived last weekend but i was too sick and tired to enjoy the handbag. i wish i could muster the enthusiasm to use the bag, but i don't feel up to it. 

which is so not me.

maybe another purchase could cure me. 

or should i just accept it and face my issues head on?

anyway, the picture below somehow prompted this post. i wonder if could call it my muse. *wink*

i am not much of shoes fan, but this pair is just too lovely to pass over.

by the way the image is from http://www.ysl.co.uk/en_GB/

and another thing.

the funny bit about shopping online is that i even skipped opening my blogger account. i haven't found any appealing posts in my reading list for awhile, and decided that it did not require my attention any longer.

and today, with heavy rain and heavy eyelids being my biggest current headaches, i decided it's time for a post.

the unexplained

at times i wonder what is it that triggerred the human psychosis to feel that sensation of missing someone.

i am sure there are a number of researches which have been done to unearth the mysterious ways in which a human mind works.

i remember missing my other half when he went away overseas for work and the mere sniff of his worn t-shirt made me bawl like a baby.

there are other times, when certain random, mundane events made us go back to the times that has passed and we long for it once more.

we human beings are hardwired to be sentimental - even if some would say they are not tied to the hogwash of yesteryears - because face it, we have many men and women striving to get back to their youth or their youthful days when all things are carefree and (relatively) easy. they either try very hard to maintain their looks by exercising and eating healthily and then, taking the even extreme steps to consume or indulge in endeavours involving chemical assistance or knife intervention to look young.

not to mention the middle age or mid life crisis. 

when men buy the fastest cars that money can buy, or that top of the line gadget just to stay hip. i shall not go into that part on chasing younger women, because to be fair, there is a growing trend of older women dating much younger men. and we do not need to go abroad to find such examples.

so i shan't spare the women. but we rather like to indulge in a more beautifying aspect of feeling young such as those oh-satisfying and sensory stimulating slimming and spa treatments. anything that makes us feel good, in turn makes us feel young.

so i do not believe anyone who say they are not sentimental at all. believe me, even if it does not manifest in their outward behaviour, it will surely be inherent in the things they hoard or accumulate. it will be in the way they dress or the company they keep. the sentimentalism will definitely appear in a myriad of colourful ways.

but here i am digressing again.

i am actually wondering about the scientific reasons for missing someone.

"here i go about in my daily routine, telling myself that by not contacting him anymore, i will be better... and i was... except then, all of a sudden, without notice, when i was just going about doing something totally routine, the pangs came. i feel these painful spasms in my heart... literally. well it felt that way. it felt debilitating."

"my grandma's sister in law, which means, she's my grand aunt, was so heart broken, grieving badly and  missing her other half who passed away recently, later was struck by stroke within days after the funeral - the similar ailment that caused her husband to pass on. she loves him too much and the thought of going through life without him just made her feel... totally numb."

so how do we explain all these?

i went on a bit of a research on the net. type "missing someone scientific explanation" on the Google page and press enter.

Voila!

a few thousand hits. i haven't really found the reasons yet in this one but this particular site below is a good groundbreaking find.

http://www.newscientist.com/special/ten-mysteries-of-you

(not exactly answering the questions, but it delves into the other things or aspects in life which you often wonder and yet there are still no definite answers to them)

i also found this.

http://www.science20.com/variety_tap/science_behind_heartbreak_progress

When a person feels secluded or feels loss, changes in the brain's blood flow occur. The anterior cingulate cortex (responsible for regulating physical pain distress) becomes more active during these times. This is seen in victims of depression who also register physical pain due to the detection of nociception, which triggers a variety of responses, one which results in the experience of pain. People who are depressed or who are under extreme stress are more at risk to develop heart disease and other cardiovascular diseases based on research that found depression to help in thickening artery walls . 

while it does not actually answer the question about why we miss someone, it does elaborate about the feeling of loss, which is akin to that 'missing feeling'.

but i think the most relevant to my burning query could be found here:

http://www.quora.com/What-are-the-brain-chemicals-involved-when-I-miss-someone-Im-in-love-with

In short, depending on the length of your relationship, you either miss the things you did with your partner because of testosterone/estrogen, serotonin, and dopamine or your addiction has evolved beyond the activities and also includes targeted feelings for that specific individual (and possibly feelings related to share responsibilities) in which case you have nerve growth factor, and possibly norepinephrine and oxytocin to blame.

This is, I suppose, a somewhat important distinction. You may feel like you love a person now, but if the relationship hasn’t lasted longer than at least a year, then you were probably did not love them so much as you loved being with them. In which case, “jumping back on the horse” really can make you feel better. If you did love them, then you will probably just have to “suffer through the pain” for a couple of years while your HGF levels go down.

don't you think these sound totally hokey and farfetched?

made me wish i did not ask for an answer in the first place. teeheehee...

to end this hopefully dissecting discursive on missing someone, here is a short poem or saying on the subject:

"As contratries are known by contraries, so is the delight of presence best known by the torments of absence." - Alcibiades

Maxi-mus

the last time i've written anything, either in this sphere or 750words.com was in January.

i admit that although i have the time to write, i do not have the inclination (read: plain lazy) to craft anything remotely creative.

so before February turns to March, i vow to post something in either here or the other place i use to jot.

as i am not in the mood to write wordy stuff (hence avoiding 750words), here are some pictures that make me go aaawwwww because the creration is just purely breathtaking and whimsically feminine.

whimsically feminine? is there such a phrase.

never mind. i shall not dwell on the triviality of such thing and let us gawk at Alberta Ferretti's and  Philosophy Di Alberta Ferretti's latest Spring-Summer 2012.

AF's latest strutting on the catwalk

Philosophy Di AF dresses which are equally feminine and chic.

this is my favourite

even lovelier on this thin model :P

lovely things aren't they? they just make me swoon....

nevertheless i find it weird that bags do not have the same effect on me at the moment. 

maybe because i am expecting. :)

(photo credits are from : http://www.net-a-porter.com and http://www.redcarpet-fashionawards.com/2011/09/16/philosophy-di-alberta-ferretti-spring-2012/  and http://kentonmagazine.com/recap-milan-fashion-week-spring-2012/)

Fictional Love

there should be a statute that every written word must be supported by some fathomable feasible and rational evidence.

but then again, if i were to agree to such a statute, there goes my favourite genre at the bookstore - FICTION.

yes, my love of fictions has been a old kind of love. the enduring kind, because i grew up making stories using a regular school exercise book, with imaginary characters, drawn of course with my own two artsy hands. (yes i consider it artsy because it was rather 'pretty' and 'handsome' at the time - to my eyes, that is)

i grew up with fictions. i have to admit i was into the guy meets girl scene. guy does not know he loves her until much later. girl is too proud to admit that she likes guy as well, because they are friends. or perhaps, the more dramatic one would be, girl and guy were betrothed. yes this would be a historical romance. guy is a pain in the you-know-where because he is older and cynical about the world. guy doesn't mind the betrothal because he thinks he can continue his life as before when he gets married. but then he doesn't plan to fall in love with the girl, whose innocence and optimism win him over. things like that...

i suppose one could easily take a guess on what type of fiction i am into. (i can't write 'was into' at the moment, because i have to confess that i do love to read them still). yes i am in love with romantic fictions, be it the modern day romances or the historical ones. although, i assure you that i am not a romantic fool. that's relative as well!

i am not sure what types of books which have shaped me growing up, but i have read all of my mother's beloved Judith McNaught collection. there were also the occasional Mills and Boons which i would 'borrow' from her - trashy novels when you were a teenager seemed unfailingly rebellious. truth be told, i do not get much of what was written then! 

i also love reading thrillers and crime novels. i have loads of Stephen King and Dean Koontz books. i also read all three Hannibal Lecter series (Thomas Harris). then, there was a phase when i would read a lot of Alex Cross' novels by James Patterson (even before the novels were made into movies). i do not remember reading much while i was studying overseas. except for that one time when i was raring to collect all of the Green Miles series - Stephen King released the book by chapters then, most probably for gimmick reason. i supposed in the United Kingdom, i was either busy watching telly or reading the course books were already too much. not that i read most of my accounting books. i remember i started reading more vigorously again after coming back from the U.K. although the genre would be more varied and focusing on family, relationship and life in general, rather than the airy fairy world of romance. 

i love Wally Lamb's I Know This Much Is True. it struck a chord or two within me because it was essentially a story about twins. i also love Audrey Niffennegger's Time Traveller's Wife. and then, there was Cecilia Ahern period (but all her books after P.S. I Love You were not as comparable). also the Sophia Kinsella's bug. i did read some of Tony Parson's books but none of them were memorable. there was also one of those one-hit-wonders, like Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden) and Prep (Curtis Sittenfeld). and then i got curious about the best-selling self-exploratory book called Eat, Pray, Love (Elizabeth Gilbert) that i had to read it. it was not that bad - was not great either, but it did provoke some thoughts. some are welcomed and some are not. 

although we are discontent about our lives, but we are so used with its regularity and familiarity that we rather leave it as it is - however unhappy we really are. i wonder at times whether that is keeping me from trying out something new which is the unknown. it is not so much of the ambiguity and probability of failure, it is more about not wanting to leave my comfort zone. the next question is how long would i last?

the last great book which i read is called 'One Day' (David Nicholls) which was about a year and a half ago. i love the premise of an enduring friendship between a man and a woman. i love that they could talk about everything except how they felt about each other. i love that friends turned to lovers. maybe i am reaching out for something that is lacking in my own relationship. nonetheless, it is good to be lost in the whole fictional relationship for awhile. consume the unattainable but pleasing to the senses and leave graciously and willingly when it is time. 

hence, the reason why i love fictions. it could not be as factual as real life. it does not need to. it lets you escape for a while into a world that is different from your own. to learn about things which are familiar and yet foreign. and perhaps to learn about yourself as well. if you let it to.

750

I was introduced by a friend to 750words.com about two weeks ago and have never looked back.

it is a neat little site to discipline prospective writers to write a little bit of something or in other words, to unload anything which needs to be unload, which ideally should take place early in the morning, in order for writers to be able to write better (that's highly relative, actually) for the rest of the day.

one thing i like about 750 (as i like to call it), is that it's purely personal and private. it is not meant to be shared with others. it is just your own thinking space. the place which you could unload and would not feel judged by the your lack of writing repertoire. write away! it seems to taunt you, because you would need to write until you reach the 750 words mark.

yep, that's why it is called 750words. a personal journal to jot 750 words or roughly about 3 pages of thoughts and ideas. mind you, when i first started, it took me a while to finish the 750 words, because hey, i was not used to be able to write freely. until today i am still self-conscious of what i write in this sphere. there are faceless readers out there, and i don't know who they are, but they still read and judge me from what i have written and/or share.

at 750, i just write what i want to write, share my pains and sufferings. unload all the nasty business which is milling about in my brain. it doesn't actually solve my problems, but it does help me get there. eventually. written words promote clarity of thought. clarity of thought results in clearer path of understanding on actions required.

perhaps, one day when i feel confident enough, i will copy-paste something from 750 to my blogspot. did i tell you that it also runs a competition to see who could write for a whole long month? yes, 30 long days, inclusive of weekends, emergencies and holidays. you just have to muddle through all the inconveniences in your life and write away so that you get the coveted title of 'writer of the month' or something to that effect ( i forgot what it is called at the moment ). also, 750 gives 1 point for finishing the 750 words mark and 2 points for more than 750. you could also get 2 extra points when you write without getting distracted, which means that you do not leave the site for whatever breaks or distractions, for more than 3 whole minutes. (so i cheated by staying on the site and doodled - and deleted afterwards - even if i do not know what to write). it is just a fun way to see how far writers would do to be more disciplined and determined.

but as of now, i am enjoying the freedom and glee that 750 seems to provide. i am yet able to write in consecutive days, but i am persevering to do so in the upcoming month. and February has shorter days anyways.

it just takes sheer discipline. 

actually buckets and loads of it.

missing him look

missing him look by ninaali featuring a cable hat

Cardigan
¥5,480 - jshoppers.com

Monsoon skirt
£38 - monsoon.co.uk

Gucci zipper boots
£810 - profilebrighton.co.uk

Yves saint laurent handbag
$1,358 - forzieri.com

Antica Murrina flat earrings
$60 - forzieri.com

TopShop cable hat
$32 - topshop.com

Ray-Ban ray ban shades
mrporter.com

Antiques on Old Plank Road - Stunning Original Paint Antique French 4...
antiquesonoldplankroad.1stdibs.com

Harper'S Bazaar Fashion: Your Guide To Personal Style
£11 - austique.co.uk

twenty-twelve

it has been about a month since my last post. 

i had some drafts in between, but i was too downtrodden to finish them. 

i would like to say i was just too tired, but to tell you the truth, i don't feel like writing.

some say the pained, the heartbroken, or just those who are generally facing a bad time in their lives, would write better. it is something akin to release. writing is a release of all their pent up emotions, and these are translated into a poetry, or a sad love song or a best-selling collection of wizard boy adventures.

for me, i don't think i'd write when i'm feeling down. i would just look at the paper/ screen and wonder what is it that would make me feel so good about writing.

nevertheless, writing is also a purification of soul. crying cleanses you, but writing purifies you.

so anyways, i wouldn't write anything more, other than yes, i have been busy since the last time i have written. the things which i was up to and going through in no particular order whatsoever.

1. went to Singapore from the 16 to 18 December weekened for a short holiday. my boys' first holiday during the long school break. we were there for me to watch the musical Wicked (which is still playing at the Marina Bay Sands Grand theatre until this February 2012), and for the boys to swim in the big swimming pool.

2. my parents finally moved out their house in Kota Damansara - our house - which we have been staying since 2002. thats like 10 years. i got married there. two of my other sisters and my brother also got married there. i called it the 'transition house'. the house in which all of the married sisters and brother stayed in, for that short while, before we moved on to our own houses (save for one sister whose husband already have a pad in Ampang at the time of their marriage). it's the house where my first son grew up before moving to our own just before my second son was born. the transition house of all sorts. where we learned to adjust to be a good wife/ husband/mother/father. 

hubby helped a lot with the moving. he even fell twice during cleaning up the house. he was mopping and carrying a bucket of water when he fell once. i was shocked by the loud thud. concerned and alarmed that he might he seriously hurt. actually, it is during these kind of events, that you know how much you care for someone. until he does something stupid like being inconsiderate or insensitive. hohum. 

3. my twin sister came back from Dubai for about 2 weeks of break. although we didnt get to hang out much due to family commitments, but it's good to know that she was back in our Malaysian soil. i did call for a family pot luck dinner on second day of 2012, but she couldnt make it in the end as her daughter contracted chicken pox. as i am expecting, i dont think it's wise for her to bring her daughter to the dinner.

4. our birthday fell on 21st December - we didnt get to spend it together, regardless, due to scheduling conflict, but we hung out a few days later. hubby said my birthday gift was the Singapore and Wicked trip. oh yes, there was a belated birthday treat on the following Sunday. or was it Monday 26th? we went to Ben's Pavilion KL.... again.

5. my 9th year wedding anniversary. i got a card and nothing else, but i know he was saving for the change of maid. so i was kinda okay with it (took me awhile to unpout). i treated him to dinner this time around at a local hotel. suffice to say, we need to go out on our own more.

6. my second son started kindergarten. oh my baby has grown up! *sob* i had (well, am still having) some problem letting go. seeing how good he was at the kindy without me. i did accompany him for the first 2 days of school, in which he was so clingy to me that i was afraid he would not be able to be independent. although, he's the more independent one as compared to my first son, he doesnt want to participate much when i was with him. but he fared much better when his father took him for the 3rd and 4th day. he started taking the transportation on the 5th day and my heart wrenched thinking how a little boy like him could go on to and fro without someone to accompany him. then i realsied that my first son had undergone the same thing. although, the duration was slightly longer, with the maid accompanying him for about two weeks!

7. the agent for Indonesian maids whom i have been in contact for about a month passed away suddenly the day i was supposed to meet her to pass my deposit. what bad luck! it was more eerrie than surreal. apparently it was due to natural causes. i am now without an agent (there is one potential but she charges high). and my current problematic maid's contract/ visa will expire this upcoming Chinese New Year.

8. a dinner with friends on Christmas night. it made me laugh. i realised i am happiest when i get to converse without any prejudice. these are mostly the people whom i am comfortable with. and ironically, they are my hubby's friends.

9. an expected wedding of a pseudo friend. yes, i am not sure that i am even a friend to this person. i know it's coming but it's still a shock. there are things i want to say, but i guess the truth or reality will unveil itself in its own time. well, as Elphaba has famously sung "i hope you're happy now that you're choosing this..." :)

10. i am now almost 20 weeks pregnant, insyaAllah. halfway there little one. i cant wait to meet you. i hope i'm ready for your cries and hunger. and i hope we have patience for one another. :)

that's the gist of what had happened during the past month.

i do hope i will write more often. it's just a matter of willpower. 

after all, one of my favourite authors, Stephen King, has written :

"If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others : READ a lot and WRITE a lot.... reading is the creative center of a writer's life... you cannot hope to sweep someone else away by the force of your writing until it has been done to you."