Ramadhan 1432

this is extremely long overdue.

i wanted to write this much earlier - which is just before Ramadhan. well, i planned to do it the day before fasting month started, but in the end things happened - unusually heavy workload, extreme exhaustion, ensuing influenza and the ever recurring procrastination - that i didn't manage to keep my want.

yep, story of my life.

two years ago i've written in FB that i missed the Ramadhan back in my childhood home Shah Alam. i love the fasting month because it always made me feel closer to my family. there was the terawih at the Masjid Biru, the preparation in which my family and i went through like the annual chores of hanging curtains, putting on festive chairbacks and table runners, baking goodies and even stowing away junks at the back of the drawers. the filial togetherness, the sense of belonging and the brimming happiness are my main memories of Ramadhan and Syawal.

fast forward to the current reality of having own family and own commitments, i realised that i still cling to those memories of the Ramadhan yesteryears. i feel that my present Ramadhan is not as happy or ideal as it should be back when i was younger. 

don't get me wrong. i do look forward to Ramadhan, but it usually does not work out the way i visualise. it falls short to my utopian expectations.

i want to be able to do terawih at the masjid (like i used to).

i want to have buka puasa with all my family members everyday (like i used to).

i want to bake cookies and cakes for Raya with my mother and siblings. (like i used to).

i want to spend the night before the first of Syawal, listening to 'live' takbir raya, as a throng of neighbours come around to the house to bless us (like i used to).

of course, unfortunately, these are just wishful thinkings. 

truthfully, i have yet to do terawih at the masjid this year and at this rate, i don't think i will. i do go for iftar at my parents' place every Sunday (and there is also the Saturday gathering at my nenek's in Kampung Baru) but that was never enough. i could make time during weekdays but this year's workload during Ramadhan was heavier than usual due to stretched deadlines, that i usually ended reaching home near to maghrib or even after that. i also don't think i would get to make any kuih raya with my sisters as we will be leaving for my hubby's kampung this weekend. nevertheless, i am glad that i have managed to share my apple and mini chicken pies with them during the last two iftar get-togethers. *beam* even though the congregation will not be in either my neighbourhood or my parents' (as they are no longer in Shah Alam) to recite the takbir raya,  i am thankful to have the resplendent memory.

yes, i still do have the memories, so that counts a lot. alhamdulillah.

the funny thing about clinging to the past, is that we forget to enjoy what we have presently. we could be ungrateful and are always expecting disappointments because things are not like 'back then'. when we compare what we have with what we don't have, the yearning cards would invariably trump.

i am not going to dabble in the psychological aspect of this, but my own take on this 'phenomenon' (i call it that because the origin of this behaviour was never properly explained) is that when things are temporarily bleak, we want to be able to have that option. of going back. of having the alternative.

it is not necessarily a bad thing, as long as we are rooted in our subsistence. 

now i sound like a shrink.

moving on, this Ramadhan made me pause to reflect that i could have better memories (i do?) of the future Ramadhan and Syawal (insyaAllah), by creating new joyful memories. i could naturally base these on my experience but i could also tweak them to adapt to my current situation. all i need are creativity and boundless of faith. 

of course, Raya at my side is always better, but i know that going back to his side makes my husband happy, so i wouldn't whine about it. much. my kids, like i was back then, would be happy when both parents are happy during the festive break. more often than not, it is more about them having a good time. i guess my parent taught me that. generally good times mean a happy childhood. i, for one, would not want my grown up kids to come to me later on and say  "my Raya then sucks. i did not enjoy my Raya at all back then. so i don't think i want to go home for Raya." *yipes*

for me, this Ramadhan is about purging the past, and holding on to the gritty present. the latter is scarier with open-ended possibilities, but it also means we have opportunities to create something which we could be proud of.

i need to move on. there are certain areas in my life which are holding me back. but intuitively, i know it is time. i could not live with half-baked could haves and could bes. i will need to take that monumental step (okay, it sounds dramatic but it is not of a paradigm shift proportion), and be brave enough to live with the consequences.

bubbles burst. hearts mend. wounds heal. features restore. people adapt. life goes on.

after all, it is much easier to grieve when it is something that you never even have.