Assalamualaikum!

I know I have been away for quite a while now.

Yes, I delivered a beautiful bouncing baby boy on 5 June 2012. Alhamdulillah!

And thus, I decided I needed the hiatus. Well, both baby N and me wanted to get to know one another. :)

But I am back now!

Will write more later.

I miss writing nonsense! Hehehe...

Worry Scurry

i am worried.

usually, when i worry, it will manifest into absurd, impulsive and usually what-was-i-thinking purchases.

i am a woman who does terrible things to herself. what is that word again?

self-destructive tendencies. 

those are 3 words by  the way.

anyway, i am in my 37th week of pregnancy. i will be this Friday 18 May 2012. 

to those who are never pregnant, or will never be pregnant (that is, you are male of the species), 40 weeks is the maturity date of a pregnancy. but a woman could give birth anytime between the 37th and 40th week. 

if you are wondering why is it 40 weeks since we human beings are supposed to be pregnant for 9 months, the 4 additional weeks are called 'artificial weeks' whereby we start counting from the first day of a mother-to-be's period or rather, the start of her last period before she gets pregnant.

if you are still perturbed by this, go and Google about it in the internet. there is a wealth of information in the realm for you absorb and share. it is just a matter of what interests you, really.

back from the short intermission. i am actually worried because...

1. i am in my 37th week and that means i could deliver my baby anytime... and i've yet to pack my bags and make the cot nice and the drawer ready to be filled with baby clothes. i should be able to this readily as i have had 2 kids prior to this, but with the gap being 5 years since my last pregnancy, i am still trying to navigate through what could be said a trying pregnancy in terms of trials and tribulations.

or perhaps, that is just an excuse. i am just too darn tired to do all these by myself. i want the support, the encouragement, the enthusiasm because i feel that my spouse is not providing those three enough, for me to do it wholeheartedly.

but despite that, should not i be wholeheartedly enthusiastic, encouraged and supported by my own self will?

must i wait for someone to be my rock before i could rock on?

yes, that bugs me a lot.

2. well, this was already discussed in Reason #1. 

my hubby. my spouse. my other half.

he does make the effort to accompany me once or twice to see the gynae ever since i was pregnant.

he did say that he procured the cement drain cover for the baby. (i wondered if that was honey talk because i was sulking at the time).

he has not bought any items for the new babe, other than the... drain covers. 

he was supposed to look for drawers last weekend but ended up buying a new bed frame for the guest room. what was that about? 

anyways, that is reason enough for me to be worried.

3. then there is my medical condition. i have what you call GBS. you could Google that too, because i am not going to elaborate about it here.

it gnawed me for a long time. the more i read about it, the more i get jittery.

my gynae recommended that i go through normal delivery with penicillin administered in my system intravenously. 

insyaAllah, my baby will be alright. 

i pray for that everyday. somehow i wonder if i have prayed enough.

4. i wonder if my 2 elder kids will be alright. i am sure they will be adapt to the change, but changes take time and my kids who are attached to me, will need to be able to understand that my time will be mostly with the new sibling who needs me more.

actually, i am not that worried. i believe they will be fine. they are loving and supportive kids. and we have each other. :)

=========================================================================

yes, the list is only 4. but i feel that it's a lot.

for my silent readers out there, thanks for listening.

more importantly, pray for my baby and me. insyaAllah.

to end, i found this poem and would like to share it with you here :

POSTO!

been awhile since my last update.

i have no excuse except for the fact that i am in my 35th week of pregnancy. (hoping that answers a lot of queries over the lack of updates, rather than sounding like an excuse).

what have i been up to?

shopping online. hehehe... which is to my dismay is very easy nowadays with the advent of PC, Wifi and some extra dosh of late.

i have been buying some necessities (my own interpretation) and some luxuries (again, it's my own distinct interpretation of the word). i blamed my own subconscious for this as i was actually trying (in vain) to forget some stuff by hoarding other physical stuff.

one of the coveted items finally arrived last weekend but i was too sick and tired to enjoy the handbag. i wish i could muster the enthusiasm to use the bag, but i don't feel up to it. 

which is so not me.

maybe another purchase could cure me. 

or should i just accept it and face my issues head on?

anyway, the picture below somehow prompted this post. i wonder if could call it my muse. *wink*

i am not much of shoes fan, but this pair is just too lovely to pass over.

by the way the image is from http://www.ysl.co.uk/en_GB/

and another thing.

the funny bit about shopping online is that i even skipped opening my blogger account. i haven't found any appealing posts in my reading list for awhile, and decided that it did not require my attention any longer.

and today, with heavy rain and heavy eyelids being my biggest current headaches, i decided it's time for a post.

the unexplained

at times i wonder what is it that triggerred the human psychosis to feel that sensation of missing someone.

i am sure there are a number of researches which have been done to unearth the mysterious ways in which a human mind works.

i remember missing my other half when he went away overseas for work and the mere sniff of his worn t-shirt made me bawl like a baby.

there are other times, when certain random, mundane events made us go back to the times that has passed and we long for it once more.

we human beings are hardwired to be sentimental - even if some would say they are not tied to the hogwash of yesteryears - because face it, we have many men and women striving to get back to their youth or their youthful days when all things are carefree and (relatively) easy. they either try very hard to maintain their looks by exercising and eating healthily and then, taking the even extreme steps to consume or indulge in endeavours involving chemical assistance or knife intervention to look young.

not to mention the middle age or mid life crisis. 

when men buy the fastest cars that money can buy, or that top of the line gadget just to stay hip. i shall not go into that part on chasing younger women, because to be fair, there is a growing trend of older women dating much younger men. and we do not need to go abroad to find such examples.

so i shan't spare the women. but we rather like to indulge in a more beautifying aspect of feeling young such as those oh-satisfying and sensory stimulating slimming and spa treatments. anything that makes us feel good, in turn makes us feel young.

so i do not believe anyone who say they are not sentimental at all. believe me, even if it does not manifest in their outward behaviour, it will surely be inherent in the things they hoard or accumulate. it will be in the way they dress or the company they keep. the sentimentalism will definitely appear in a myriad of colourful ways.

but here i am digressing again.

i am actually wondering about the scientific reasons for missing someone.

"here i go about in my daily routine, telling myself that by not contacting him anymore, i will be better... and i was... except then, all of a sudden, without notice, when i was just going about doing something totally routine, the pangs came. i feel these painful spasms in my heart... literally. well it felt that way. it felt debilitating."

"my grandma's sister in law, which means, she's my grand aunt, was so heart broken, grieving badly and  missing her other half who passed away recently, later was struck by stroke within days after the funeral - the similar ailment that caused her husband to pass on. she loves him too much and the thought of going through life without him just made her feel... totally numb."

so how do we explain all these?

i went on a bit of a research on the net. type "missing someone scientific explanation" on the Google page and press enter.

Voila!

a few thousand hits. i haven't really found the reasons yet in this one but this particular site below is a good groundbreaking find.

http://www.newscientist.com/special/ten-mysteries-of-you

(not exactly answering the questions, but it delves into the other things or aspects in life which you often wonder and yet there are still no definite answers to them)

i also found this.

http://www.science20.com/variety_tap/science_behind_heartbreak_progress

When a person feels secluded or feels loss, changes in the brain's blood flow occur. The anterior cingulate cortex (responsible for regulating physical pain distress) becomes more active during these times. This is seen in victims of depression who also register physical pain due to the detection of nociception, which triggers a variety of responses, one which results in the experience of pain. People who are depressed or who are under extreme stress are more at risk to develop heart disease and other cardiovascular diseases based on research that found depression to help in thickening artery walls . 

while it does not actually answer the question about why we miss someone, it does elaborate about the feeling of loss, which is akin to that 'missing feeling'.

but i think the most relevant to my burning query could be found here:

http://www.quora.com/What-are-the-brain-chemicals-involved-when-I-miss-someone-Im-in-love-with

In short, depending on the length of your relationship, you either miss the things you did with your partner because of testosterone/estrogen, serotonin, and dopamine or your addiction has evolved beyond the activities and also includes targeted feelings for that specific individual (and possibly feelings related to share responsibilities) in which case you have nerve growth factor, and possibly norepinephrine and oxytocin to blame.

This is, I suppose, a somewhat important distinction. You may feel like you love a person now, but if the relationship hasn’t lasted longer than at least a year, then you were probably did not love them so much as you loved being with them. In which case, “jumping back on the horse” really can make you feel better. If you did love them, then you will probably just have to “suffer through the pain” for a couple of years while your HGF levels go down.

don't you think these sound totally hokey and farfetched?

made me wish i did not ask for an answer in the first place. teeheehee...

to end this hopefully dissecting discursive on missing someone, here is a short poem or saying on the subject:

"As contratries are known by contraries, so is the delight of presence best known by the torments of absence." - Alcibiades

Fictional Love

there should be a statute that every written word must be supported by some fathomable feasible and rational evidence.

but then again, if i were to agree to such a statute, there goes my favourite genre at the bookstore - FICTION.

yes, my love of fictions has been a old kind of love. the enduring kind, because i grew up making stories using a regular school exercise book, with imaginary characters, drawn of course with my own two artsy hands. (yes i consider it artsy because it was rather 'pretty' and 'handsome' at the time - to my eyes, that is)

i grew up with fictions. i have to admit i was into the guy meets girl scene. guy does not know he loves her until much later. girl is too proud to admit that she likes guy as well, because they are friends. or perhaps, the more dramatic one would be, girl and guy were betrothed. yes this would be a historical romance. guy is a pain in the you-know-where because he is older and cynical about the world. guy doesn't mind the betrothal because he thinks he can continue his life as before when he gets married. but then he doesn't plan to fall in love with the girl, whose innocence and optimism win him over. things like that...

i suppose one could easily take a guess on what type of fiction i am into. (i can't write 'was into' at the moment, because i have to confess that i do love to read them still). yes i am in love with romantic fictions, be it the modern day romances or the historical ones. although, i assure you that i am not a romantic fool. that's relative as well!

i am not sure what types of books which have shaped me growing up, but i have read all of my mother's beloved Judith McNaught collection. there were also the occasional Mills and Boons which i would 'borrow' from her - trashy novels when you were a teenager seemed unfailingly rebellious. truth be told, i do not get much of what was written then! 

i also love reading thrillers and crime novels. i have loads of Stephen King and Dean Koontz books. i also read all three Hannibal Lecter series (Thomas Harris). then, there was a phase when i would read a lot of Alex Cross' novels by James Patterson (even before the novels were made into movies). i do not remember reading much while i was studying overseas. except for that one time when i was raring to collect all of the Green Miles series - Stephen King released the book by chapters then, most probably for gimmick reason. i supposed in the United Kingdom, i was either busy watching telly or reading the course books were already too much. not that i read most of my accounting books. i remember i started reading more vigorously again after coming back from the U.K. although the genre would be more varied and focusing on family, relationship and life in general, rather than the airy fairy world of romance. 

i love Wally Lamb's I Know This Much Is True. it struck a chord or two within me because it was essentially a story about twins. i also love Audrey Niffennegger's Time Traveller's Wife. and then, there was Cecilia Ahern period (but all her books after P.S. I Love You were not as comparable). also the Sophia Kinsella's bug. i did read some of Tony Parson's books but none of them were memorable. there was also one of those one-hit-wonders, like Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden) and Prep (Curtis Sittenfeld). and then i got curious about the best-selling self-exploratory book called Eat, Pray, Love (Elizabeth Gilbert) that i had to read it. it was not that bad - was not great either, but it did provoke some thoughts. some are welcomed and some are not. 

although we are discontent about our lives, but we are so used with its regularity and familiarity that we rather leave it as it is - however unhappy we really are. i wonder at times whether that is keeping me from trying out something new which is the unknown. it is not so much of the ambiguity and probability of failure, it is more about not wanting to leave my comfort zone. the next question is how long would i last?

the last great book which i read is called 'One Day' (David Nicholls) which was about a year and a half ago. i love the premise of an enduring friendship between a man and a woman. i love that they could talk about everything except how they felt about each other. i love that friends turned to lovers. maybe i am reaching out for something that is lacking in my own relationship. nonetheless, it is good to be lost in the whole fictional relationship for awhile. consume the unattainable but pleasing to the senses and leave graciously and willingly when it is time. 

hence, the reason why i love fictions. it could not be as factual as real life. it does not need to. it lets you escape for a while into a world that is different from your own. to learn about things which are familiar and yet foreign. and perhaps to learn about yourself as well. if you let it to.

750

I was introduced by a friend to 750words.com about two weeks ago and have never looked back.

it is a neat little site to discipline prospective writers to write a little bit of something or in other words, to unload anything which needs to be unload, which ideally should take place early in the morning, in order for writers to be able to write better (that's highly relative, actually) for the rest of the day.

one thing i like about 750 (as i like to call it), is that it's purely personal and private. it is not meant to be shared with others. it is just your own thinking space. the place which you could unload and would not feel judged by the your lack of writing repertoire. write away! it seems to taunt you, because you would need to write until you reach the 750 words mark.

yep, that's why it is called 750words. a personal journal to jot 750 words or roughly about 3 pages of thoughts and ideas. mind you, when i first started, it took me a while to finish the 750 words, because hey, i was not used to be able to write freely. until today i am still self-conscious of what i write in this sphere. there are faceless readers out there, and i don't know who they are, but they still read and judge me from what i have written and/or share.

at 750, i just write what i want to write, share my pains and sufferings. unload all the nasty business which is milling about in my brain. it doesn't actually solve my problems, but it does help me get there. eventually. written words promote clarity of thought. clarity of thought results in clearer path of understanding on actions required.

perhaps, one day when i feel confident enough, i will copy-paste something from 750 to my blogspot. did i tell you that it also runs a competition to see who could write for a whole long month? yes, 30 long days, inclusive of weekends, emergencies and holidays. you just have to muddle through all the inconveniences in your life and write away so that you get the coveted title of 'writer of the month' or something to that effect ( i forgot what it is called at the moment ). also, 750 gives 1 point for finishing the 750 words mark and 2 points for more than 750. you could also get 2 extra points when you write without getting distracted, which means that you do not leave the site for whatever breaks or distractions, for more than 3 whole minutes. (so i cheated by staying on the site and doodled - and deleted afterwards - even if i do not know what to write). it is just a fun way to see how far writers would do to be more disciplined and determined.

but as of now, i am enjoying the freedom and glee that 750 seems to provide. i am yet able to write in consecutive days, but i am persevering to do so in the upcoming month. and February has shorter days anyways.

it just takes sheer discipline. 

actually buckets and loads of it.

twenty-twelve

it has been about a month since my last post. 

i had some drafts in between, but i was too downtrodden to finish them. 

i would like to say i was just too tired, but to tell you the truth, i don't feel like writing.

some say the pained, the heartbroken, or just those who are generally facing a bad time in their lives, would write better. it is something akin to release. writing is a release of all their pent up emotions, and these are translated into a poetry, or a sad love song or a best-selling collection of wizard boy adventures.

for me, i don't think i'd write when i'm feeling down. i would just look at the paper/ screen and wonder what is it that would make me feel so good about writing.

nevertheless, writing is also a purification of soul. crying cleanses you, but writing purifies you.

so anyways, i wouldn't write anything more, other than yes, i have been busy since the last time i have written. the things which i was up to and going through in no particular order whatsoever.

1. went to Singapore from the 16 to 18 December weekened for a short holiday. my boys' first holiday during the long school break. we were there for me to watch the musical Wicked (which is still playing at the Marina Bay Sands Grand theatre until this February 2012), and for the boys to swim in the big swimming pool.

2. my parents finally moved out their house in Kota Damansara - our house - which we have been staying since 2002. thats like 10 years. i got married there. two of my other sisters and my brother also got married there. i called it the 'transition house'. the house in which all of the married sisters and brother stayed in, for that short while, before we moved on to our own houses (save for one sister whose husband already have a pad in Ampang at the time of their marriage). it's the house where my first son grew up before moving to our own just before my second son was born. the transition house of all sorts. where we learned to adjust to be a good wife/ husband/mother/father. 

hubby helped a lot with the moving. he even fell twice during cleaning up the house. he was mopping and carrying a bucket of water when he fell once. i was shocked by the loud thud. concerned and alarmed that he might he seriously hurt. actually, it is during these kind of events, that you know how much you care for someone. until he does something stupid like being inconsiderate or insensitive. hohum. 

3. my twin sister came back from Dubai for about 2 weeks of break. although we didnt get to hang out much due to family commitments, but it's good to know that she was back in our Malaysian soil. i did call for a family pot luck dinner on second day of 2012, but she couldnt make it in the end as her daughter contracted chicken pox. as i am expecting, i dont think it's wise for her to bring her daughter to the dinner.

4. our birthday fell on 21st December - we didnt get to spend it together, regardless, due to scheduling conflict, but we hung out a few days later. hubby said my birthday gift was the Singapore and Wicked trip. oh yes, there was a belated birthday treat on the following Sunday. or was it Monday 26th? we went to Ben's Pavilion KL.... again.

5. my 9th year wedding anniversary. i got a card and nothing else, but i know he was saving for the change of maid. so i was kinda okay with it (took me awhile to unpout). i treated him to dinner this time around at a local hotel. suffice to say, we need to go out on our own more.

6. my second son started kindergarten. oh my baby has grown up! *sob* i had (well, am still having) some problem letting go. seeing how good he was at the kindy without me. i did accompany him for the first 2 days of school, in which he was so clingy to me that i was afraid he would not be able to be independent. although, he's the more independent one as compared to my first son, he doesnt want to participate much when i was with him. but he fared much better when his father took him for the 3rd and 4th day. he started taking the transportation on the 5th day and my heart wrenched thinking how a little boy like him could go on to and fro without someone to accompany him. then i realsied that my first son had undergone the same thing. although, the duration was slightly longer, with the maid accompanying him for about two weeks!

7. the agent for Indonesian maids whom i have been in contact for about a month passed away suddenly the day i was supposed to meet her to pass my deposit. what bad luck! it was more eerrie than surreal. apparently it was due to natural causes. i am now without an agent (there is one potential but she charges high). and my current problematic maid's contract/ visa will expire this upcoming Chinese New Year.

8. a dinner with friends on Christmas night. it made me laugh. i realised i am happiest when i get to converse without any prejudice. these are mostly the people whom i am comfortable with. and ironically, they are my hubby's friends.

9. an expected wedding of a pseudo friend. yes, i am not sure that i am even a friend to this person. i know it's coming but it's still a shock. there are things i want to say, but i guess the truth or reality will unveil itself in its own time. well, as Elphaba has famously sung "i hope you're happy now that you're choosing this..." :)

10. i am now almost 20 weeks pregnant, insyaAllah. halfway there little one. i cant wait to meet you. i hope i'm ready for your cries and hunger. and i hope we have patience for one another. :)

that's the gist of what had happened during the past month.

i do hope i will write more often. it's just a matter of willpower. 

after all, one of my favourite authors, Stephen King, has written :

"If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others : READ a lot and WRITE a lot.... reading is the creative center of a writer's life... you cannot hope to sweep someone else away by the force of your writing until it has been done to you."

for the heart

Why Aren’t My Prayers Being Answered?

Question: Why aren’t my prayers being answered?  Answer: May Allah reward you for asking such an honest question, and may He guide us towards the truth.Ameen. I think what happens in this type of situation is that we mix up our meansand our ends. When we make du`a’ for a good husband, for example, is that strong marriage a means or an end? I think many people take it as an end, which explains much of the disillusionment and disappointment that often follows (ironically in both cases: whether we get it or we don’t). Like everything in this dunya, marriage is only a means – a means to reach Allah. So if we pray for it and we don’t get it, perhaps Allah has chosen another means for us – perhaps through hardship, the purification it may cause and the sabr it builds, to bring us to that end: Allah. It may be, as only Allah knows best, that had He given us that amazing husband we made du`a’ for, it would have made us heedless and therefore not achieve our end at all. Instead of seeing it like this, however, I think the problem is we are seeing things as just the opposite. The dunya (that great job, certain type of spouse, having a child, school, career, etc) is our end and *Allah* is the means that we use to get there. We use that means, through making du`a’, to achieve our end (whatever it is that we’re making du`a’ for), and then get disappointed when our means (Allah) didn’t come through for us. We throw our hands up in the air and say our du`a’ are not being answered. Our means just isn’t coming through for us! But, Allah isn’t a means. He is the end. The ultimate objective of even du`a’ itself is to build our connection to Allah. Through du`a’ we become closer to Him. So, I think the problem is that our focus is wrong. That’s why I love the du`a’ of istikhara so much. It’s just perfect because it acknowledges that Allah only knows best, and then asks for Him to bring what is best and take away what is not best. The focus of that du`a’ is not that which you are asking for. The focus is what is best in this life and next. This is not to say that we cannot make du`a’ for things specifically that we want. On the contrary. Allah loves for us to ask of Him. But it means that once we ask, do our part to the utmost, and put our trust in Allah, we are pleased with what Allah chooses for us. And we realize that Allah answers all du`a’ - but not always in the form we expect. And that is simply because our knowledge is limited, and His is unlimited. In His infinite knowledge He may send us what He knows to be better for us in achieving the ultimate end: the pleasure of Allah (swt). Wa Allahu `alam (and Allah knows best).

Source: http://www.yasminmogahed.com/2010/05/11/why-arent-my-prayers-adeyah-being-answered/

On a side note (something I learn):

Du’a is something that we always make but I think many of us fail to see the light and purpose in it. I remember a scholar once shared during his khutbah about du’a. Many muslims he observes make du’a as if it is not a big deal… it is seem as part of a ritual after salat; in a sense that the du’a is the same after another, they are usually rushed and the recitation of the du’a is on automatic mode (dah hafal doa-doa yg afdal). He also observed they usually have blank expression and even yawning compared to those who make dua with hard or soft expressions like teary face, weeping, closed eyes + frowning, bowing while hands raised high above the head….

But, as muslims he said we cannot judge other people because we cannot tell what lies in the heart, only Allah knows that. So the scholar advised that we should make du’a when THERE is a NEED for it for Allah will judge and favor on those who really NEED His favors. ONLY WE on own OURSELF can tell whether our du’a is empty or not. While it is good to include recitation of du’a from the Quran, examples from beloved prophet Muhammad s.a.w and his companions (amalan doa yg afdhal)… he advise that we should also include into our du’a by words expressed of our ownself. Only thru this, our du’a is meaningful coz we find the NEED for it and it will not be as empty nor on automatic mode. Especially for muslims whose Arabic language is hard on the tongue. Du’a is free from rituals of physical order (tak ikut tertib macam dlm solat) and it is free of language. Du’a can be made anytime, anywhere and any way you like. E.g. in the heart, after prayer, conversation, in congregation/majils, e.t.c

Du’a is an engagement session with our Creator so it is best to make du’a all the time for ALLAH loves those who always praise and remember Him. Allah is our personal counsel, confidante and saviour – that is why muslims put their ultimate trust in Allah and never give up hope in His mercy. Lastly remember Allah is our final end. So let us make meaningful du’a everytime we make one and hopefully Allah will forgive us lovingly, shows His bountiful mercy on all of us as we journey to our final destination in His straight path, ameen.

PS: this is from something that arrived in my mailbox.

Muzak

From the dictionary.reference.com, the definition for 

Muzak (ˈmjuːzæk)

- n

trademark  recorded light music played in shops, restaurants, factories, etc, to entertain, increase sales or production, etc.

so i suppose the piece of music, or rather muzak, which i am about to share here does exactly that - which is entertain and perhaps, on some deeper level (stretching a bit here), it does make you want to get up and do MORE.

like seriously.

not necessarily by boosting your productivity, but by boosting your energy by getting you out of your funk.

well, it's a start, kan?

thus, i hope you will enjoy this piece of muzak, as much as i do (although i think i'd get tired of it soon). it doesnt require any soulful interpretation or make you weep - although i must warn you that the vid is a tad dodgy, bordering on soft p*rn *wink*- it just makes you want to get up and do the jiggy.

jiggy? i'm OLD.

speaking of old, i just realised that my father likes this kinda music. and i wonder if one's taste of music would change when one gets older?

OMG. i'm turning into my DAD.

Women

We talked about my recent issue at work. i thought she didnt want to talk about it - and truthfully, i am just freaking tired telling the story all over again, because y'see, it's like putting salt over the wound over and over again - but i was glad she asked. because she didnt even try to avoid the issue. she wanted to talk it over with me....  and i'm glad and blessed, to have a friend like that.

i did tell her that if i ever break down and go into the brink of depression, i would want her to slap me. really. i just couldn't bear to be this huge pain in the neck. i can be a pain in the neck, but i dont want to be the cause of pain to others. 

i wonder if it's because i have always felt all along that no one wants to listen to me. i am always the listener. playing the advisory role. my troubles are usually being swept under the carpet, for them to stew until they rot and eventually they just disappear along with the wind.

whatever it is, i felt better, but the hurt is still there - and will be there for a long while. a decision is to be made. the road to wellness is still far. 

i want to write that hurt is good because it will prod us to work harder to prove ourselves. but i've done that. been there, done that. and i guess my 'harder' is not their harder. in final analysis, i am just.... tired.

we also talked about the expectations that we women face in this world, when we went to the topic about friends who are not yet married. the societal pressure to be married at a certain age sometimes get to these women, even when they are better off with other aspects of their lives such as a thriving career life and being able to do the things only single women could do like travel at a moment's notice or dressing the way they want without their partners disapproving. :)

women face a lot of pressure nowadays (men would counter that they also face the same). but forgive me for saying, men are more likely pass the pressure of being married to their spouses. women still need to work when they come back from work. men have it easy. the king of the house as he is largely known in every society. nevertheless, the kings should also realise that their queens are also supporting the household as well.

last day

today is the last day of November.

i havent been writing much of late. been about two weeks since i last updated.

yes i'm still in my funk.

anyways, i am trying to cheer myself up with the number of quotes i have compiled over the past months.

if it doesnt motivate you - meaning it just makes you gag - just close this post. no one's forcing you to read anyways.

(eeeewwww.... i do sound  a funked up person, aren't i?)

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"Avoid the crowd. Do your own thinking independently. Be the chess player, not the chess piece."

- Ralph Charell

"Tell me and I'll forget. Show me, and I may not remember. Involve me, and. I'll understand."

-- American Indian Proverb

"Our attitudes control our lives. Attitudes are a secret power working twenty-four hours a day, for good or bad. It is of paramount importance that we know how to harness and control this great force."

-- Irving Berlin

"The winner's edge is not in a gifted birth, a high IQ, or in talent. The winner's edge is all in the attitude, not aptitude. Attitude is the criterion for success."

-- Denis Waitley (American author, motivational speaker)

"Life is like a landscape. You live in the midst of it but can

describe it only from the vantage point of distance."

- Charles Lindbergh

"I believe that everything happens for a reason, people change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so that eventually you learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together!"

- Marilyn Monroe

 "Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it."

- Mark Twain

"We all have our own life to pursue, our own kind of dream to be weaving, and we all have the power to make wishes come true, as long as we keep believing."

- Louisa May Alcott

"Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be."

- Samuel Johnson

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so which ones are your favourites? 

the one that i need to remember most at the moment is the last bit. my heart maybe breaking but i will not let myself become bitter. i pray to Him that i have the strength to do what i must. to change. to become better. to live my life. Amin.

InsyaAllah.

note: initially drafted on the last day of November, but only got posted today... due to writer's traumatic experience yesterday.

outta sleep

this was as a result of my insomnia last night.

i am tired, i am beat 
but i cannot fall asleep 
too many things on my mind 
i feel like i'm out of bind 

perhaps i should just admit 
that it hurt and it bit 
rather than carry on as usual 
with my nitpicking nonchalant perusal 

i am tired i am beat 
hope this poem helps me sleep 
as long as the secret i that keep 
be buried as far and as deep. 

outta sleep and still sound 
i pray that the demons be gone 
uninterrupted slumber is a luxury 
and waking up is not a hurry. 

i am tired i am beat 
i owe myself to go to sleep 
good night worries good night pain 
i am determined i must remain.

one of those days....

else, i just eat EVERYTHING... and i don't know what i had eaten and why i ate it in the first place.

(well, actually, i do know WHY, but the joy of eating is no longer there)

i just hope the bloating feeling will dissipate soon.

i would very much like to LIKE my food. 

another thankful post

i had drafted a post last Monday while waiting for my turn to see the doctor at the hospital cafeteria.

but something happened at home - something ghastly revolting between my maid and a stranger whom she let in - that the post had to be scrapped.

i then lost my appetite to write. 

i would not want to elaborate much in this portal, but suffice to say the maid hasn't confessed despite being caught red-handed by my neighbour and being confirmed by my (although incoherent) four-year-old son.

i don't want to rant more here. it would just start me on it again - when i am already starting to calm down. 

of course i've had sleepless nights, trying to find a solution, but now i am just thankful that my kids are at my sister's for the time being (with the maid in tow, regardless).

this is for temporary measure. i hate imposing on other people. i rather not depend on my in-laws but they seem to be the only ones available (from next week onwards) to oversee the ungrateful maid until we find another.

i would have kicked her out, but rationally, i couldn't. besides, my kids got on well with her. guess the false charms win them over.

so i was a sorry sight when i came to work today - after two days of medical leave - as i was obsessing over the fate of my kids. 

then after lunch, i bumped into a colleague, who always look fresh and cheery in the office pantry and i flat out asked her " how do you handle stress? " she was heavily pregnant and has been working late. 

she said she would not let stress get to her. she even wakes up at 4am to do work at home and continues to work at the office. i said " doesn't the fatigue gets to you? " she said it did, but she still would not let it get to her. she would take short naps when she could.

her positive attitude warmed me up all over. we're not the best of buddies but she cheered me up today. even with her physical constraints, her mental reserves were aplenty. 

she is in-charge of her life. i love that spirit. i want to inhale it and let it consume me. make me aglow with optimism.... and life. i thus decree that i secretly aspire to be the ever effervescent Anne of Green Gables. :P

scratch that. but the point is, when life gets you down, you need to remember that you still have the resilience within you to come back up.

you dont always have to be thankful by looking at what the others do not have, or those who have less than you; neverthless, you could be thankful by looking at other people who still have the courage and strength to take the bull by its horn, despite it steadily and surely charges towards you. 

the end of September working week

had a rough week. because all of the sudden, urgent and multi-tasking tasks cropped in, of which i wouldn't be complaining much (after a long stint without much to do), except that the lack of rest and sleep was getting to me.

i even did the most unacceptable faux paus at work.

i raised my voice at my superior. i did not even think - my voice just automatically went a notch higher (maybe a few notches higher) when she made an uncalled remark.

it may seem totally all right with you, but the remark did not come at a right time when i was trying my level BEST to complete the task given by her.

but that's that. it's the end of the week. end of September 2011, in fact. and three more months before the new year 2012.

time does indeed FLY. not just when you were having fun. but when things got complicated and busy that you did not realise that time has bade you goodbye.

anyways, this is meant to be a quick post - i could afford to do this since i have managed to distribute the manuals which my boss and i had a bit of disagreement on a few minutes ago... so YAY! - but i do want to share this lil' picture that i got through the email today.

it made me laugh. and the laughter reached my eyes. hope it will have the same effect on you.

gotta feed the baby and do laundry?
THERE... I FIXED IT! :)

last weekend - a wedding

last weekend we went back to Penang to send my inlaws back, which was partly the reason, as my husband was invited to an ex colleague's wedding reception at E&O Hotel on Saturday.

i was intrigued to attend the wedding in the E&O as it boasted a colourful history as being the first luxury hotel during the colonial era. built in 1885 by the four Armenian brothers, the 'Sarkies', it has seen two World Wars and is still proudly serving guests in 2011 (after undergoing an extensive renovation in 2001).

for more of its rich chronicles, click here.

mind you, rich is the imperative word here, as the going rate starts at a 'meagre' RM 730 for the 'essential' room, hence we would not be easily inclined to spend the night there - unless of course, i manage to coax my other half to not spend at least a night at his house nearby. :)

as we arrived at the place, about half an hour's late at 1230pm, we looked for our names on the list of guests and their related table number on the wall, near the main ballroom. we found out that our table was upstairs of the ballroom, akin to Circle level if you are familiar with 'show hall' terminology. of which i quipped to my hubby, "either we're special or not special."

turned out we're not - as most closed-knitted and VIP guests, as well as the blushing bride and the immaculate groom were seated downstairs in the main ballroom (Stall level) - but it gave us a bird eye's view of the place. the ballroom was indeed grand in a subtle kind of way, not ostentatiously so, but quietly refined, like it does not need to prove itself. i would imagine it was heavily used for fancy parties and débutante proms back in its heydays. well, of course, for wedding receptions, notwithstanding.

this was the hallway that leads to the ballroom

the food was all right but not superb. we were initially served hors d'oeuvre comprising of a fusion of gado-gado, along with skewered satay with peanut sauce and some imperceptible salad thingy. then it was chicken broth with carrots and potatoes cut into little pieces. i loved that simple dish because i was in the mood for something soupy. after that, the main course. we had to wait for the servers to bring out the food one by one that i thought it was meant to be like that as the bride was half Chinese. turned out, it was due to inefficiency, rather than design. there was the 'XL prawn' dish which was dispensed out first and put on the table but was moments later taken away right after the waitress served us one piece each. huh? was i the only foodie who noticed that? because the rest of the dishes were left on the table - rice, chicken, fish, beef, veggies and 'acar' (spiced pickled fruits) - where we could liberally consume.

there was the usual wedding entertainment, which was clearly arranged by the parents of the bride because of the demographic of the singers. the songs being belted out were various enough, consisting of a multitude of past and present hits, of which at some point, they sang a Selamat Hari Raya number. i had an okay time, considering there were two other guests sitting at the table of ten. all of which were from my hubby's former bank. i guess it would have been a better experience if i had known the pengantins on a personal level, but it was the first time i've seen them - and it was from the balcony overlooking the Stall level of the majestic ballroom. :P

(apparently as i found out later, the reception was the bride side's, so we could not blame the seating arrangement being unfavourable as we're from the groom side. i was of course, telling myself this to nurse a bruised ego. hah!)

we left around 3pm, after hubby had said his thank you and goodbye to the newly-weds, while i conveniently sneaked into the ladies for a little private time and mainly, to check it out. the Deco was still yesteryears that i had to snap a picture of the pre War ladies WC. and blimey, thank goodness the flush still worked. 

the boys would love the swimming pool!

before we headed out, hubby indulged me to some photo taking outside the hotel looking out the seaside. and i took one of him candidly. i know he would thank me later. *grin*

photo credits are from the official E&O site.

personal photos are not uploaded because this is a public portal. :)